Will Somebody Pull the Plug on Holtz?

ESPN's application test;

1. Are you old as hell?
2. Do you have a speech problem?
3. Are you biased towards teams that are terrible?
4. Don't know anything about football?
5. Been fired from a crappy school like South Carolina?

If you have answered yes to all of these questions then you get the job!

No wonder Lou Holtz has a job talking about College Football. The other day Lou Holtz was rambling something about football and Notre Dame was brought up. Surprise Surprise, Holtz wouldn't shut his old ass mouth up about them. He made the bold claim that they would win 10, yes folks, 10 games this year. Who is their quarterback again? Oh right, nobody knows, nor do I care. Lou just go home and jerk off to leprechauns in the privacy of your own home and leave your biased opinions off the air. And tell Mark May to shut up about L'Ville while your at it.

The Rankings, The Way it Should Be

AP this, Coaches that. No, this is the true ranking system. The Herri-Ju (Hairy Jew) poll is actually BCS affiliated, but we vote for a playoff system. So for the first week here is the polls.

1. USC- Damn yuppies
2. LSU- Tonight they help Sylvester Croom find a new job.
3. WVU- Who needs defense when your quarterback can't be caught.
4. Florida- Tim Tebow has already won the Heisman
5. Texas- Gonna burn Ark. State...(NPI)
6. Michigan- Appalachian State? Where the hell is that state?
7. Wisc- WASU is a tricky team...
8. L'Ville- Petrino wishes he was still here
9. Oklahoma- Gonna beat the wrong Texas on Saturday.
10. Tenn.- Biggest Game this weekend to prove themselves

New polls come out on Monday or tuesday, or whenever I feel like it. Deal

SEC Game of the Week

As much as I wanted to pick Western Carolina at Alabama as the game of the week that would not have been fair to anyone outside of Tuscaloosa. So here it is...

Tennessee Volunteers at California Golden Bears
8 p.m. EST ABC National Coverage


The California Golden Bears say they will be seeking revenge in Berkley Saturday night with the Tennessee Vols coming to town. The Vols jumped out to a 35-0 lead last year before taking out their starters. By midway through the third quarter the Golden Bears were playing for a lost cause, hardly knowing what had hit them. Back up quarterback Joe Ayoob replacing starter Nate Longshore who was yanked while his team still had an egg on the scoreboard. Ayoob and strategy helped Cal team put up 18 points after the game was over, saving face in the box scores printed in the newspapers. That strategy did not go over well with Vol Coach Phillip Fulmer, as he watched Cal continue to attempt onside kicks with less than five minutes to go.

All off season coach Jeff Tedford and quarterback Nate Longshore have been talking the talk now they will have to walk the walk. The hostile SEC environment was something the Bears had never experienced before. In addition Starbucks is not served in the stands at Neyland Stadium and neither is sushi; that has to be tough to get used to for the fans from Berkley. Tedford was reportedly sickened by the loss in Knoxville that he threw up after he got off of the return plane to Berkley. That same Cal team did go on to pick up the pieces and collect a share of the PAC 10 conference championship. But do they honestly believe they can beat the same team that slaughtered them last year?

I think it is a stretch to think that either team will blow out the other this year. The Vols at last check are a 6 point underdog and have historically pulled off some big upsets when they are large underdogs on the road. Erik Ainge has a broken finger on his throwing hand, running back LaMarcus Coker is suspended, punter Britton Colquitt has a pulled quad, the Vols have to fly three time zones away and have to fight off a reported 50,000 noise makers that Cal plans to give out to their fans.

The Golden Bears have 165 pound stud receiver DeSean Jackson, a proven running back in Justin Forsett and have even almost sold out their stadium. Imagine that, selling out a stadium against a ranked team. The Golden Bears lost their top three defensive players from last year and will have to replace much of their front seven.

Everyone seems to be stacking their chips against the Vols in this one and that is why they will pull it out in the land of the tree huggers. Ainge will have a great game, though not necessarily put up huge numbers, making people question whether Fulmer was just putting up a smoke screen with the injury talk. Arian Foster will return to his home state and tear through the relatively inexperienced Cal defense hitting the century mark in yards with his bruising style. Longshore will not get in a rhythm as the Vols defense will throw him off his game again early. Defensive tackles J.T. Mapu and Demonte Bolden will play surprisingly well holding down Forsett. Tough, close game but the Vols hold on for the win .

Prediction:

Vols 28 Golden Bears 20

Bryant Lives

We knew that the Bear didn't die January 26, 1983...

Fantasy Football Rules

Here is J Dredd's guide to Fantasy Football.

Rule #1: You don't know sh*t about drafting Fantasy Football. Think you are king of the draft? Wrong. Mel Kiper has a better chance then you. The thing is yes the first 2 rounds are easy to pick, but honestly it's just a gamble after that. People during my draft criticized every pick like they had inside information. "Do you even watch football?!??!!1?". Yes, shut up. Remember last year when people said the same thing when I drafted Joseph Addai and Maurice Jones Drew? That turned out pretty well for me in the long run.

Rule #2: I don't know sh*t about drafting Fantasy Football. I'm not going to pretend I know what I'm doing. After 2 rounds I don't care who is on my team. I just pick what's needed usually on the basis of who I hate the least, which limits the list pretty quick.

The only thing that matters is managing the team during the season. Injuries, and suspensions, and the occasional felonies are the things you need to keep a look out for. Smack talking is fun in the games, but come on get off your high horse and embrace the fact that you'll be working 9-5 until you die. Enjoy it.

Get Ready For Football in Blacksburg

Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit and Chris Fowler are heading to Virginia Tech to see the Hokies play the first game in their paltry schedule. Hopefully Erin Andrews will be doing an expose on the dog fighting that goes on behind the the veterinary school and why Michael Vick's number is retired but current players still wear it. Enter Hokie Football.

Arkansas Lineman Arrested in Fayetteville

Arkansas lineman Marcus Harrison was suspended indefinitely from the team after being arrested on multiple charges Friday night. Police claim that Harrison had an ecstasy pill in his pocket, a couple of marijuana cigars, was speeding and most alarming was not wearing his seat belt.

Harrison was an effective performer for the Hogs last year when healthy but has battled injuries his whole career at Arkansas. He was hoping for a breakout season in 2007 but that will be put on hold for now as Harrison will at best not play in the opener for the Razorbacks.

Antics like this may get you suspended in Arkansas but will earn you a scholarship from Urban Meyer at Florida. Maybe he ought to think about transferring, Houston Nutt won't even make him sit out a year.

Coker Reinstated to Team

Tennessee running back LaMarcus Coker has been reinstated to the Vols after 'fulfilling obligations' according to Coach Phillip Fulmer. Coker was originally suspended from the team just after returning to school for fall practice for a reported violation of the school's drug policy. Coker attended counseling and reportedly talked to the team apologizing for his actions warning players not to make the same mistakes that he made in the future.

Despite being reinstated to the team Coker will be not be allowed to play the California game. He will likely be on the scout squad mimicking California running back Justin Forsett in practice. Coker will be eligible to return for the Southern Miss game September 8.

More Lawsuit Fun From the Instigator State

South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches is at it again filing another lawsuit against high profile sports figures. This lawsuit, which is for $42,000,000 in Swiss Francs, accuses Barry Bonds and Bud Selig of trying to increase television ratings and revenue through using steroids.

According to Riches, Selig was Sammy Sosa's puppet for the better part of the last decade. He also argues that Bonds uses Hank Aaron's old bat which contains hidden chambers that supply drugs. Bonds not only carries drugs in his bats he also sells them to nuns allegedly. Instead of having the money delivered to his South Carolina prison in this lawsuit, Riches wants the money delivered to a Des Monies, Iowa postal box if he wins this judgment.

It should be interesting to see who Mr. Riches goes after next. He attacked the biggest villain in sports last week and now is attacking the second biggest villain this week so one might think his work is done. We don't think so; he is going after Matt Millen next before firing a posthumous suit against the notorious Tyrus Raymond Cobb. To Detroit and victory!

Vick Suit Alleges Al Queda Ties

So now Michael Vick is being linked to Al Queda (allegedly) by a South Carolina inmate in his $63 billion dollar lawsuit against the Hampton Roads, Virginia product. Jonathan Lee Riches seems pretty adamant that Vick stole his pit bulls, sold them on Ebay and then sent the proceeds to Iran after he became a member of Al Queda in February. The crazy thing about this is if it is true, animal rights activists would still claim that killing dogs is worse than supporting a country that is now helping to fund the insurgency in Iraq.

It does beg the question - if one member of the Virginia Tech football team is a member of Al Queda, could there be others? I'm not suggesting anything, but Al Queda is known to work hard on special teams....

Wrong Hander Day '07 is a Poor One for Vick

Assuming you are a normal person you would think today is just another hot muggy dog day at the end of summer in August. If your hand of choice is not the right hand though, today just might be your day, a 'special' day. August 13 is International Lefthander Day and that is just not right. As it has been proven in Lithuania, all wrong handers are of inferior skills both mentally and physically. An indisputable fact. Still wrong handed birds are celebrating in different ways across our nation.

Wrong hander Rick Ankiel celebrated today on his first off day since hitting three bombs in his first four games after getting back to the majors. He probably got a porterhouse steak at Ruth's Chris steakhouse tonight. Bill Clinton was happy to take a day off after his wife won the Iowa Straw Poll. Bill probably is kicking it with some girls from the Clinton School of Public Service at the pool as I type. Michael Vick, well, he didn't have the best Wrong Handed Day. He found out all three of the people that he was charged with in his dog fighting debacle are going to cooperate with federal authorities and will testify against him. Worst Wrong Hander Day EVER!

Vick was a horrible wrong hander long before he started electrocuting dogs, throwing dogs, strangling dogs or even shooting dogs. It looks as though karma is finally catching up to him. Right now Ron Mexico is talking to his lawyer saying, 'Man I can go to jail, I just can't end up like Andy Dufresne in that one scene in the laundry room. That ain't Hokie man. Negotiate that shit.' I'm sure you will have good luck with negotiations now that you got at least seven people ready to testify against you Mr. Vick. Good luck you frappin' wrong hander.



ESPN won't even show the dreaded 'Quarterback Challenge' due to that dang wrong hander now either. Leave it to the network to pile on.

A Victory For The Rebels!

The Ole Miss practice had two new additions Thursday as Rivals five star recruit Jerrell Powe and four star recruit Chris Strong joined the team after being admitted to the university. There is a fourteen day window where they can practice while the NCAA Clearinghouse reviews each recruit's status where after they must declare them eligible or ineligible. Both recruits happen to be famous in their own right before they have even stepped onto the field in Oxford.

A defensive tackle, Powe orginally committed to Ole Miss in 2005 but was unable to qualify academically. The next year he went to a BYU correspondence school and Hargrave Military academy which was enough education to try to get into Ole Miss again and he recommitted. Powe, who has been called a 'ready for the NFL caliber player,' did not become notorious until newspapers got a hold of court documents in a suit that was being filed on his behalf to attain NCAA eligibility. In the documents Powe's mother described her son saying, "Jerrell is a good child, he just can't read." Since this isn't Auburn where reading is not a necessity this raised some eyebrows amongst the Ole Miss administration and the NCAA. That being said it is horrible that Jerrell has been pushed along and used for his talent without people taking the time to lookout for his best interests educationally. If he had more help in his past he would not be in this current situation.

Chris Strong's story is not nearly as dramatic as Powe's but it's been a roller coaster ride in it's own right. He committed to the Rebels in January but needed to raise his test scores up to qualify. It appears now that he has done that. Strong is from Mississippi powerhouse South Panola High School and is projected to play at defensive end or linebacker for the Rebels. Chris has strong family ties to the Grove will be crossing his fingers that he makes it through the Clearinghouse in the next two weeks.

This brings up an interesting situation for the Rebels. Given Coach O's propensity for moving top flight players around it seems doubtful that these two will finish their careers at the position they begin at. Robert Lane came to Ole Miss as a Rivals four star recruit but after ineffective play the Rebels have moved him to tight end. Brent Schaeffer transfered in as a Rivals five star recruit and was anointed as Moses ready to lead the Rebels to the promised land. It hasn't quite worked out for for the quarterback though and he now finds himself at wide receiver. A walk-on is currently starting behind center for the Rebs.

Given past history we are going to project that Powe will end up as the first 350 pound safety in the SEC while Strong will be the highest drafted kicker since Sebastian Janikowski. Take it to the bank!

On another note Tyrone Prothro had better be happy that Powe wasn't the defensive back coming down on his leg.

Bear Gets Tough With The Sideline Reporter

Erin Andrews would not have bothered the Bear with this moronic line of questions....

Coker Suspended From Team

Vols' running back LaMarcus Coker has been suspended indefinitely by the University of Tennessee due to substance abuse issues. Thankfully that substance according to sources has nothing to do with his last name. Coker will have to meet a number of conditions to be reinstated to the football team.

Coker the leading rusher last season for Tennessee was expected to vie for a majority of the carries this season. He was described often as 'the big play back' in the offense who had broken multiple long runs in the 2006 season. Instead it looks as though those carries will now be split between 2005 leading rusher bruiser Arian Foster and Montario Hardesty who is fully recovered from knee surgery after struggling through his last season.

Racist? No, Just Stupid

J Dredd is back, and he's pissed. After scanning espn.com an article caught my eye, "Mistrust." and it said Mike Vick so I checked it out. Never have I been so angry at an inanimate object since I lost in NCAA 08 and threw my Xbox. A wrinkly old hag dares to say that Vick is being treated unequally in Atlanta because he is black. She completely ignores the fact that he is being tried in Virginia, not Georgia, but for the sake of argument I'll humor her.


Apparently after the situation broke on the news, the NAACP was called in to make an ordinary situation one about race. The chairman is quoted "The one thing that I say is everyone is welcome to their opinion," he says. "But my opinion is this: Unless a person has a trial, he is not guilty of anything. That is the fabric of our country."

Wow Detective Dipsh*t. Thanks for telling me that this is your opinion because I am too stupid to figure it out. Also nice intro to the quote. Thanks for embracing the fact I can state opinions. I needed you to welcome me to them, ass. And when was he proved guilty? I'm pretty sure I would have thrown a party if they made that announcement. Glad to see that the NAACP has hired the best man for the job.

Also in the article "African-Americans in Atlanta, according to prominent black leaders, think it's about Vick not getting due process because of the color of his skin.". What due process is not being done? He was accused, they gathered evidence, he is in court. Sounds like due process to me. Also whats up with the fact they say "African American" and then the leaders are just "black". What happened to PC? I guess that was racist of the writer.

Hey NAACP, choose battles better. Bitch about something that is really racist and stop trying to piss and moan about everything. Vick's skin color is not the problem. It's the fact he lets sleeping dogs lie, and by lie I mean kill them with electricity.

Oh and about the picture, it's the protest rally in Atlanta that is in favor of keeping Vick as Falcons quarterback. Nice turn out, almost as nice as the 9,957,531 people that were with PETA against Vick across the country. Keep up the good work NAACP.

Top Duke Football Player Suspended

If there was ever an oxymoron to come across this blog that title sure is one. The so called top player referred to is Dukie Michael Tauiliili who was suspended 'indefinitely' by the athletic department Sunday. In the case of an LSU player this only means he would be out until Fall practice starts but with the Dukies it will probably be a little different. The suspension was for a violation of team rules and at this point we can only speculate on those reasons so we'll go ahead and do that below.

- Perhaps Tauiliili took money from Mike Nifong, only the Rainbow Push Coalition would take his money these days.
- He might have been asking Ian Johnson why he would ever want to marry a cheerleader

- Punishment after the administration found out he had realized he was on the football team at DUKE and tried to transfer to Rowan where he'd actually be playing after Thanksgiving. Hell even New Jersey is better than Duke athletics and a campus that looks eerily like the one Ron Mexico's.
- Could discrimination against alleged mungions be occurring in front of our eyes?

Who knows the real story but its likely that Duke will be finding a way to lose 13 this year without Tauiliili. That's even impressive for the Dukies seeing that they are only playing 12 games.

Al Gore Does Not Approve This Message

Ole Miss head coach Ed Orgeron is legendary, at least he's legendary in Layfayette County Mississippi. At the first team meeting he ad as a coach at Ole Miss, Coach O challenged everyone in the locker room to fight while ripping off his shirt. He followed that up my laying out the former starting quarterback in a full sprint during practice in his first summer in Oxford. Since then he has managed to keep his job despite his poor record in which he has never beaten an SEC team with a winning record. Yet somehow manages to be the coach that saved the Rebels from Cutcliffe's poor recruiting in the minds of the Oxford faithful. (Rebel fans conveniently forget Cut brought in Eli Manning) This commercial is a solid reminder of why Coach Orgeron will not have a job at Christmas this year. A 2-10 record won't cut it, even at Ole Miss. The students have never lost a party but Coach O is about to lose his job.



I'm just not sure about the "Big, tough, aggressive and it represents everything we want at Ole Miss," line. When I think of Ole Miss football I think more of a present day Kia or an old Yugo, not a Hummer. That might just be me though...

Segal the .400 Hitter

So back in his freshman year of college at St. Mary's College of Maryland Chris Segal was hitting .400 but still only starting about every third game on the baseball team. After the first two weeks of the season Segal went into Manager Lew Jenkins' office to find out why he was not receiving anymore playing time.




"Coach I just don't understand why I'm not playing; I'm hitting .400," Segal explained.
"Hell you might be a .400 hitter, but you're a .399 fielder," Jenkins countered.

Powerful Arrest

Indiana University's Blake Powers was arrested after throwing a water balloon into the car of an off duty university cop. Powers is a back up tight end for the HOOSIERS but his name is recognizable as he used to play some quarterback for the Big Eleven team.

Its a good thing for that cop that he was up in Big Eleven country because if he was in the SEC and attempted to arrest a football player for throwing a water balloon he would not have a job for long. I can't see Urban Meyer punishing a player for chucking a water balloon, in fact if he had the same situation where a former quarterback nailed a cop from car to car he would see it as a sign and move the player back to quarterback. This would not be before he made sure the cop was blacklisted in Northern Florida.

On another note you do not want to throw water balloons at Mormon football players' wives or girlfriends.